Aug 22 I Am Trying…

Today was what you would call a no good, very bad day.  I realize some days are going to be like that and you just gotta roll with the punches.  But today there seemed to be a LOT of punches.  And a LOT of rolling. 

I realize that I am being cryptic and I apologize for that, but I would rather post facts when I have them, instead of projections and rumors.  Some posts are mainly for clearing out my head, and for personal therapy, which happens to be the main reason for this post. 

When I have facts, I will be the wordy, detailed Katie that I am used to being.

I will say that this day was rough due to trying to figure out my future plans, and it ended up being just plain yucky, frustrating, and hard.  This was one of those days I felt like how far I’ve come really makes no difference.  I felt like I was being penalized for having EDS and POTS.  I felt small.

I am trying to keep perspective.  Really.  But when I was told that so much of my hard work this past year, could go right down the tubes, I lost it.  Like really, REALLY lost it…in a public place with lots of eyes on me.  Have I mentioned before that I hate when that happens?

I am trying to remember that there is a plan for me, and that everything will work out in the end. 

I am trying to keep the faith. 

I am trying to remember last August 22nd, when I was struggling for very different reasons…Because I couldn’t walk without passing out.  Because I had to crawl from room to room.  Because I couldn’t stop losing weight and throwing up. 

I am trying to remember that everything ended up being okay…Not ideal, but not the end of the world.  I am trying to remember that things did get better.

I am trying to keep in mind that everything that happened today is not the end of the world either. 

I am trying to listen to my family and friends who tell me that my strength will carry me through and everything will work itself out.  I am praying.

I am trying to continue to be the best advocate I can be for myself. 

I am trying to ask myself, “In 5 years, will any of this matter?”

I am trying to breathe.